Thursday, April 19, 2007
pre syf day. ok we all promised lenard we weren't gonna mug or do anything taxing tonight. waiting for my mother by shelford road just now under the street lamp watching people carrying rice sacks contained in fairprice bags and taxi drivers driving past and buses driving slowly by and the fluorescent 7/11 lights glaring from a distance, got me trying to overwright that waiting time with a very mini version of histrionic thoughts. given the fatigue then, i guess the only thing that you had a propensity to reflect couldn't divert too significantly from the matter you were seemingly most solicitous about.
yesterday was a terrible day. not your i'm all fervid and susceptible to irritations and whatnot reason could substantiate that, but more of suddenly feeling overloaded with worries and being enervated from the chain of nonstop rigid events and how you'd tell yourself you you'd catch up and climb that ladder twice as fast as everyone else when things had been done with, yet you also wanted to start that very split moment, because you know if you kept counting on the issue it seems like you're using those things to evade your priorities and that there'd be no end to things you could lean back on. in no way did it help having a test you had not started studying for when you had a late rehearsal that night.
this morning seemed better, at least the prospect of the next day seemed encouraging; that sanguine feeling, so blissful... yet so insecure. get the test over and done with..you walk up those stainless steel clangy sounding ascender. nevermind,forgot those aching quadriceps. past the brown shelves and benches: its open! there're people in it! true enough, too many to be true. the morning breeze felt so good, but it can't be compared to seeing those lively beings inside, feasting on chips and wedges with constant tappings and 1000hz frequency sounds blaring in your ear. there your jacket is! lying exactly where you left it. somehow you didn't feel like leaving, not that mr alwin would bother anyway. pass me those cookies! gp seemed manageable at first. however those tight jaws of oblivion snapped at you so inevitably. art and censorship.. droopy eyed and sapped for strength, you throw your bag down grab a cushion and rest. however that peace was short lived, at least in those conditions, it had always been. more people! ah, mr vengerov! come on in, get that sweater off. perhaps 8 or 9 in the room? people i never see (other than minutes before a rehearsal). the laughter, smiles, felt so warm. the spirit was livening! too happy to help you, too happy indeed. pro jo
i wasn't tired at rehearsal. only the last run through i felt myself wearing out a little.. but everything seemed pretty in place and i felt quite comforted for that. oh my pooh best friend, lemon tree! come hear us, we've improved haven't we
it was really touching to see all of you so passionate and enthusiastic today. despite the constant erulement in the atmosphere you all stayed in the usual hysterics which is something rather worth admiring. even mr vengerov stayed back after rehearsal to ask for help; though he still rushed like almost no one's business with 4 pairs(or was it 5?) of hands tapping steadily for him. haha, okayokay, just do your best.
i hope we give our best tomorrow, i hope we'll all be immersed in our own music rather than that estrangling unhonourable thought.
sorry for the terrible terrible incoherent writing, i wasn't so conscious since it's just a blog and there were disruptions in the middle inducing some mood swings.
i wish everyday could be a pre syf day,
goodnight.
for you Lord
10:39 PM
Monday, April 09, 2007
Sometimes I wonder, why I have to feel this/that way, and for so long. I wonder how it started, how it came about, and what made me feel this way.
Feeling it today made me remember all the times i felt this/that way, how i would sigh and repeat that phrase again in my head, how i would give that faint half smile, how i would let the feeling settle, and continue with whatever i was doing feeling that bitterness again.
I guess God always has his reasons for wanting us to feel vulnerable.
I should really learn to open up and not dwell on things that really don't matter.
but I will always look up to you
12:09 AM
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